His Journey Home

My husband Eric and I met him at the Husky House restaurant--the one at the corner in Cache Creek. As usual it was busy, as all the truckers stopped to eat together and bring log books up to date. He was quiet and seemed distant, and amidst the clatter of dishes I heard him say, "I just don't want to do this." He told us he had to pick up a load of propane--35,000 litres. The mine was on strike and only natives could cross the line. He said he gave them such a high quote hoping not to get it and they accepted, so he had to go.

He sat and talked to Eric about his new truck. I pushed over and sat closer. I could feel his leg warm under the table. As i looked at him I could see his black hair glistening and beads of water on the nape of his neck. His aftershave was familiar and I thought about how much I love this big gentle man.
I was born with the gift of insight and many a time in my life, it told me things. A voice inside that lead the way and cautioned me. On the reservation it was not made fun of. My elders would talk quietly about what was in store for me, with that gift, in this lifetime. Nothing told me anything at the table, but he did seem distant and quiet. We agreed we'd have a spaghetti dinner when he got back.

It was Dec 31st, the day of the year I brought my journals up to date. I looked back at what we had done, what we had learnt and dreamt of the happiness I wanted to come.
I settled in the big chair with a cup of tea and began to write. Immediately, I felt an ice cold wind blow seemingly through me. It took my breath away. My husband heard my gasp and asked what was wrong.
"Eric, someone we know will be taken away from us very soon, its like I felt the angel of death come into our house and suck out a life."
"Wow, that's a big one. Who is it," he asked.
I don't know I said. Just someone we know. I wrote, Creator, someone we know is going home soon. Please give me the strength to go through it.

"Gotta go. See you soon." Randy had said.

Is soon time? Well death takes soon away too. It makes all the days and nites run together. Phones rang in the distance, murmured voices crying, loved ones with red tear filled eyes because death turned on that tap too.

At the hospital, I bent over my son, my baby, grateful that he at least was still here. My mother heart aching to make him all better and then remembering the scream and the thud as my own mother fell to the floor, her heart broken upon receiving the news her son was dead. She had a heart attack and was taken away.

His breathing was so shallow, but he was here and the pain bore witness to that.
"Bill its mom," I said. "can you hear me?"
When his eyes opened, I could see that somehow a light had gone out in him.
"I saw you when I was in the water. I saw you all. I called for you, for anyone to help me to help us. I tried, i really tried. I couldn't find him and he couldn't stay up. We were calling to each other. Uncle. Uncle kick your legs. Bill, I can't he said. I can't. I lost him mom. I went under the water and I got lost. I didn't know which way was up. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to just take in water and let it be all over. It was just so much. But something came and lifted me up under my arms. A strong warm strength brought me to the surface." Was this my brother's last act, even in death, to help? "Mom, where is he, where is uncle Randy?"

"Oh Great One, help me say the right words at this time," I prayed within myself.
"Help me, you are the most Holy and you know my heart. Keep us safe with your eternal love so I can give my son the right words so that he can begin to heal."
Bill, they haven't found him yet. They have divers going to look for him."

The nurses had just given him his pain medication and I could see him slipping away.
"Oh mom, did I make the right decision? Did I do the right thing?"
"Oh Billy, you did the right thing. You did all you could."
"Yes, but can I live with it now?"
A shutter shakes his body and he lets go and slips into sleep.

There is no end to this anguish that threatens to completely unhinge the door to my heart where this fear and the icy fingers of death reach out to pull me through to this time that has no end.